Sat 27th May – 2nd XI v Sutton

SUTTON 143 (33.4) lost to DULWICH 143-6 (48.2) by 4 wickets


A wealth of evidence has shown that participation in team sport is linked to better physical and mental health. However, new research into the “Steward effect” suggests that playing cricket at Burbage Road is associated with high blood pressure, chronic stress, and hair loss.

This week saw the return of incomprehensible Northern Irishman Ross Ewing, Matt Fwisbee Wright, Matt Quaife, and the in-form anchor Matt Balch to Burbage Road, where we were playing on the same track for the fourth time this season and which had less life than a Guy Skinner anecdote. Newlywed skipper Bridgland and VC Steward also returned to the helm after a wet and wild week on honeymoon in Seville.

The day began with the Champions and Women’s World Cup trophies loitering on the boundary edge and getting in the way of Kamran’s selfies. Fortunately, the media presence didn’t pick up Raj Tulsiani’s deeply penetrative account of his Thursday night, nor his motivational loss of the plot during the warm up, which was not found for the rest of the afternoon.

We won the toss and bowled, which was a horrid decision given the conditions, the pitch, and pretty much everything apart from our confidence in our bowling attack. The small crowd, presumably sticking around to watch the procession of A380s over the ground, were treated to a slapdash start from the Sutton openers who raced to 30-odd without loss. James Hambling Bridgland executed his leg stump half volley plans perfectly to remove their opener to a sharp legside catch by AJ Patankar, before Kamran and Bridgland took quick wickets each.

This led to something unfamiliar for the second eleven in the last year or so, a couple of opposition partnerships, eventually broken by a tight spell from Matt Frizby Wright, some self-destructive running from the oppo and good work in the field by the Shop Steward. Graham G-bangerr Hough chuntered his way through another tight spell, overcoming an impaling on the railway railings to finish with figures of 2-18 off 6.4, including one well-timed LBW. Simon “Matt Balch” Kerrigan took control from the other end with an antagonistic spell of 2-19 off 5, and would have taken more if run outs off shit balls counted to the bowler. Steward also took a good grab off a Balch delivery that was straight out of the James Hirst school of line and length.

Tulsiani and Balch opened the innings. Confusing teammates and scorers, Balch aimed to deposit the first two balls of the innings into Brockwell Park, missing both. Normal service was resumed immediately afterwards and as news filtered through from the first team where Sav had tonned up after 22 overs, Balch was cruising on 23*. Yet, irritatingly for the writer of a match report, Balch’s obdurate approach was critical as wickets fell at the other end, and the interruption of tea after 20 overs saw us wobbling. Tulsiani fell after trying to nurdle his way into form and spent the rest of the afternoon gaining extracurricular inspiration listening to podcasts of My Dad Wrote a Porno.

On a day when future Dulwich cricketers Else Ferguson and Cameron Cornick were present, the greatest number of toys thrown out of a pram were by Ewing after being given out caught behind after hitting the cover off his pad, shouting “Boutye,willgriggs,tayto,ulster,bushmills,rorybest” before leaving the field.

Cameron Cornick and Kamran Munawar then met for the first time, translated by Dad Andy:

Andy: Kamran, this is Cameron.
Kamran: Kamran?
Andy: Cameron.
Kamran: Camran?
Andy: Cameron.
Kamran: Cameran?
Andy: Cameron.
Kaman: Ah good name mate.

Meanwhile, Steward was doing his bit for cricket by making a game of it. The official play-cricket record reads “Run out (unsure)”. We can only assume that this uncertainty relates to a) Steward not knowing that a genuine game of cricket was going on whilst he was perfecting the forward defensive, b) their skipper pushing the field back to keep the comparatively Gayle-esque Balch off strike, or c) seeking to describe Steward’s self-immolation of a run out to end the innings.

Essentially there were loads of dots and we ended up needing 25 or so off the last 4. Enter the big show, the main man, David Kamran himself, so determined to increase the run rate that he immediately ran Balch out for 62. Matt Fryzbee Wright smashed his first ball for four to steer us home with ten balls to spare.

A decent effort in the field and a pretty grim run chase at 2.97/over, but the 2s keep on finding ways to win when not at their best, and sit top of the league as we head into timed cricket. 

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