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Saturday Third X1 Match Reports
Normandy at home on 28th July 2007 in the Surrey Championship
Dulwich 172-8 declared (S.Heath 41, G.Carveth 35, K.Patel 35 n.o.) in 54.5 overs Normandy 118 all out (K.Patel 4-34, S.Heath 3-18 plus 4 catches, D.Biswas 3-26) in 35.1 overs Result: Dulwich won by 54 runs
The history books were re-written as Stephen (“the great”) Heath, aided by a mysterious and legendary wise man, repelled a rampant Norman invasion force to avenge the Dulwich side’s heart breaking early season defeat. The conflict was intense from the off, with the Norman contingent drawing early English blood. Both openers fell in short succession, following a volley of accurate deliveries from Normandy’s opening bowlers. The home side’s predicament worsened further when the aggressive “Barry” Norman, appearing to be distracted by a rare bird circling above his head, found that his castle had been ruthlessly toppled by the invading Frenchmen. On closer inspection the flying creature was found to be no greater than a common sparrow and the score a similarly average 30-3. With the opening pair now circling the boundary rueing the conspiring factors of the under-prepared pitch, the unfortunate alignment of the sightscreens and not to mention the celestial bodies, the task of consolidation fell upon the heroic Heath. Striding to the wicket in his side’s hour of need, Heath removed his helmet so that those of his men around him might recognise him by his rugged profile and be inspired. Having employed innumerable groin stretches before the match the erotic right hander settled quickly into his lucid style of batting, employing lavish caress and stern spank with equal relish. With the admirable support of Grant Carveth the Norman attack was dispatched to all parts of the ground and the Dulwich total moved to 99. The Normans beat a hasty retreat and prayed for divine intervention to halt the ruthless terror wielded by the home side. As in 1066 this act of apparent submission resulted in a somewhat serendipitous change in fortune for the visitors. The now raging Heath suffered a fatal lapse of concentration and miss-cued a long hop into the grateful hands of an opposition fielder, while Carveth was curiously judged LBW by an umpire who had clearly decided it was preferable to watch an alternative match. It was at this point that wise man arrived at the crease, almost unnoticed at first by the visiting side. The silent mystic proceeded to patiently add important runs first with Sam Taylor and then Brett Casson. However, for all those conversant with the legends of Dulwich Cricket Club, it was becoming increasingly apparent that beneath the placid exterior the mystic was preparing to unleash a terrible onslaught. The onslaught came sure enough in the dying overs of the innings with the unsuspecting bowers being brutally savaged by the wise mans blade. The Dulwich innings finished at a competitive 172. Lifted by their batting performance and armed with a new and extensive repertoire of Urdu expletives the Dulwich side emerged after tea knowing that it was important to take early wickets. Success came rapidly enough, with Deb Biswas seeing off opener Ben Brown in the third over of the innings. At the other end Brown’s opening partner, clearly not a subscriber to the theories of percentage cricket, made life somewhat frustrating for Bret Casson. The ludicrous display of batsmanship continued for some overs, becoming a distraction to the ever-swelling ranks of Dulwich’s smutty slip cordon. The cordon’s season long discussion concerning gender issues in all male prisons was put on hold, as the Dulwich players sought to pour scorn on the unscholarly batting of the Norman. It was not until the score had moved on to 41, that the statistical order was restored by tax accountant Biswas, who dutifully removed the flippant Richards for a thoroughly undeserved 31. The visitors continued their resistance in slightly more conventional fashion, maintaining the required scoring rate until the mid innings break. The game was seemingly now back in the balance and the Dulwich bowlers were struggling to exploit the pitches potentially demonic character with an aging ball. Accordingly, the wise man, who had been lurking anonymously in the outfield, decided it was once again time for him to terrorise the opposition and signalled his intention to bowl by curiously removing his trousers.
The re-emergence of these sinister idiosyncrasies prompted visible signs of terror amongst the Norman ranks. The wise man set about delivering ball after ball with impossible accuracy and late swing. It was only ever a matter of time before the legendary mystic struck, getting a ball outside the off stump to spit at the batsman and observing as the resultant edge was gratefully swallowed by an altogether less particular Heath at first slip. The sequence was repeated twice more in quick succession, consolidating the home sides advantage. Dulwich were now rampant in the field and first innings hero Heath joined Patel in attack, removing the opposition keeper McPherson for a dogged 34. The battle was effectively won and the pair continued the offensive, more through a desire for pillage than in pursuit of tactical advantage. Trophies were easily obtained from the ragged Norman side, the last four wickets falling for some twenty runs. The final wicket fell when number 9 Read was well caught by the newly nicknamed Veryan ‘Dogger’ Boscawen. Those remaining of the scattered Norman ranks were already making their weary way back towards the English Channel
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