Sat 17th June – 2nd v Malden Wanderers

MALDEN WANDERED 124 (41.1) beat DULWICH 61 (29.4) by 63 runs


Dulwich's day began with inauspicious circumstances. So few had arrived at Malden Wanderer's ground on time that Ed 'Henry' Towner was unable to fulfil his 'Carrick' role in the warmup game of football. This may have been the result of a late-night text message from James 'Captain Chomper' Bridgland in which he described the opposition attack as 'devastating'. When a cabal lead by Matt 'Tugga' Balch finally arrived at the ground, barely half an hour before the start, Captain Chomper and his sycophantic stooge Oli 'Pilky' Steward made certain that Tugga would never again offer to give anyone a lift to cricket. 

Captain Chomper proved once again that he is a delightful tosser by inserting Malden on a dead track. Would Dulwich miss the inimitable Matt 'One Over Spells Please' Quaife? Given that the mercury was at 31 degrees, it would have seemed unlikely. And so that was the case as the bowling performance was of a typically high standard. More surprisingly, the fielding was also of a high standard. This opinion is in antipodal opposition to Pilky's aspersion that Captain Chomper could have put more effort into some half chances. Such insubordination was treated with contempt by Captain Chomper who, as a result, bit Pilky very hard. Standout performers were Kamran 'Waqar' Munawar, Graeme 'Jonty' Hough and the drinks break. Highlights include Captain Chomper cartwheeling leg stump from a full toss and hearing about John Morris' trip to Tugga's more-than-just physio. Malden were bowled out in the 42nd over for a paltry 124. 

Tea was excellent, as was the fact that the Korean community within Malden is the largest outside of the Korean peninsula (approx. 4×10^4).

Despite witnessing a poor display from Malden's batsmen, Dulwich decided that the best way of showing their superiority was by batting half as well. A cornucopia of defective decision-making meant that even a meagre 124 was too demanding; not even Tugga went to war. Only new boy Faisal '69' Kassam provided any resistance. Kassam, who last
week assured this reporter that the reason his squad number was 69 was because 'it was the same as my favourite player (sic) Charl Langeveldt', despite the fact that Langeveldt wore 67. Spare a thought for Pilky who, according to a source, is still gently weeping in the shower at Malden. Notwithstanding the fact that the game was concluded
over three days ago. The source also confirmed that he was indeed 'packing heat'. 

Immediately following the defeat, this reporter sought refuge in the golden California sunshine. He will remain there for the rest of the season and knows that the 2nd XI will bounce back next week at Cranleigh. He would also like to send best wishes to everyone at Dulwich, and will see them in the winter!   

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