May 30th – 6th XI vs Witham Friary

This game, from Dulwich’s point of view, resembled the sort of game that must have taken place immediately after the First World War.

Significant, because of the absentees in the Dulwich side, rather than those who were playing. Nanda (alias Siegfried Sassoon), Cross (Rupert Brooke), Blench (Wilfred Owen) and Gibson (Dobbin the War Horse) were all inexplicably discarded by the despotic and tyrannical and moustachioed Lord Kitchener otherwise known as Pinochet or John Smith (El Presidente).

Smith’s questionable and cavalier generalship was confirmed when, having agreed the rules of engagement (40 overs a side) and tossed up, then led his side to an adjacent hostelryand urged his team to to imbibe several pints of the local cider: a heady and dangerous brew which your correspondenthas heard, on reliable authority, is distilled from Granny Smith’s second crop, the skulls of Herdwick sheep and a number of unwanted bus driver’s socks donated by the local  Oxfam Shop. Dulwich were quick to make inroads into the Witham Friary batting. Unfortunately, the game reached a hiatus when the Greek member of the side felt it necessary to relieve himself in full view, not only of the other 21 players engaged in the match, but most of the clientele of the aforementioned public house, who emerged to examine the Greek member.

This gives me the opportunity to segue neatly on to my next topic: it is fair to say that the Dulwich 6th XI does not often find itself playing against a member of Her Majesty’s Government: David Heath, M.P. fresh from his electoral victory over Annunziata Rees-Mogg (and let’s face it, if you can’t win an election against somebody calling themselves Annunziata Rees-Mogg who can you win against?) came in at number 4. It was clear from his batting that the Rt Hon. Member for this constituency had had his mind only half on the game. The other half was was clearly engaged with the problems confronting  the Coalition Govt. have in explaing how £40,000 of public money had been claimed in expenses by another Lib Dem. Member of the Government.

Sadly, Mr.Heath troubled the scorers only once before succumbing to the beguiling floaters of David Ward. Hyde, however, proved to be a thorn in Dulwich’s side with a sprightly 50 and Ackland weighed in with a well-struck 35. Witham finally completed their 40 overs with what was perceived by Dulwich as an attainable 185.

Dulwich’s innings brought your correspondent’s mind back to the trials and tribulations of the First World War. Each Dulwich batsman arrived to stick his head above the parapet, only to find the Witham Friary bowlers working their Gatling guns with deadly accuracy. As the church bells began their doleful peals it seemed an eloquent comment on Dulwich’s abject performance. Only Clark Osborne, with some well-timed drives into the stinging nettles at the Pub end, interrupted the dreary procession of dead and wounded Dulwich batsmen returning to the dug-out.

At length, Armistice day arrived and Dulwich repaired to the George Inn for steak and chips and further quaffings of Rioja and Wadsworth’s 6X.